31 days of Borderline Personality Disorder
Day 1: Think of the last time you were really angry. Why was that?
About an hour ago. I mentioned to my mom that I’m out of medication. She assumes I’m asking for money, yells at me, tells me I should try going without it. Uhh.. I am and it isn’t going too well, obviously. All day I’ve been in and out of feeling dissociated. It is a terrible feeling and always leads to an anxiety related breakdown. Because of my mom’s comments, my anxiety builds. Eventually the intrusive thoughts take over. By now I’m in tears, frustrated, and growing angry. The anger fully sets in, directed at myself, for my brain/mind/body being “defective.” I can’t function properly. I will never have a “normal” life, let alone go a day without having the all too familiar negative thoughts creeping in the back of my mind. I am pissed off at myself for being in a constant self loathing pity party. No, I can’t just get over it or cheer up. I’d love to not feel like shit everyday but since my brain can’t produce serotonin and dopamine properly, transmit neurons correctly, have a decent thought pattern… I’m stuck depending on something to change my brain’s chemistry so I can maybe have a day where I smile more than sob uncontrollably. Thankfully now I have a boyfriend who helps me cope with the mental pain and understands that I am not my illness.
Nnknrjfhvihhudydbfhkfkdksjkjklsskad fuuuuuck this shit